My Biggest Early-Career Mistake

Today I wanted to share my biggest early-career mistake, one that I think a lot of early-career people make not just in diplomacy but in many fields. I hope that there are readers who benefit from this and can avoid some of the pitfalls I couldn't, since those lessons can be very painful to learn. Without further ado, my biggest early-career mistake was not knowing how to manage workplace conflict.

People would say and do things that offended me, bothered me, and even undermined me professionally and it wasn't obvious to me how I was supposed to resolve it. I consulted my mentors and most of them said they were conflict avoidant themselves and would choose to ignore almost everything if they were me. They were well meaning, but I don't think this advice was the most helpful. In professional settings (and life) there are a lot of people who bottle up resentments and talk badly about people behind their backs, but far fewer people who are willing to address difficult conflict in an open-minded and productive way directly with the person they have conflict with. I, too, kept many of my grievances to myself and bought into negative narratives about people (which in our line of work we call bad corridor reputation) without giving people a chance to address the issues. I'd like to think this is something I've improved at over time.

Here's a real, anonymized example from my life. I once took notes at a meeting, and one of my coworkers didn't like my summary of the conversation. He said, "You shouldn't have included that quote from that person!" I stood my ground and said, "That's what she said, though." He replied, "She was misinformed and now you've spread incorrect information with these notes!" Clearly, my notes bothered him, but it was too late for me to go back and change them since I'd already circulated them with our internal offices. Moreover, I wasn't convinced that I needed to change them. He lost his temper and began sending emails to my colleagues saying I didn't know what I was doing and that I was unqualified. He would raise his voice to me on the phone and send all-caps emails. Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back: when I had a meeting with contacts at another organization, he told these people, whom I was meeting for the first time, that I was ignorant and didn't know what I was talking about.

The entry-level me would have simmered until I boiled over, railing about this guy to anybody and everybody except him. I might even have taken steps to switch portfolios and projects to avoid working with him again, writing off our professional relationship as irreparably doomed. This time, I took my concerns up the chain of command and began documenting everything in case it got worse and I needed to escalate. (I had learned the hard way earlier in my career that sometimes documentation and witnesses were necessary.) To my shock, multiple people I raised my concerns with made comments like, "Oh, yeah. Everyone knows he can't work well with women" or "He's just sexist; don't take it personally" or "There have been so many women like you who have complained about this before." I guess these responses were supposed to make me feel better, but instead they made me extremely frustrated. If this was a known issue, why didn't anybody address it? And had we all really just decided to tolerate someone who couldn't work with half of the population? Was that even really the problem?

I told leadership that I was going to try to resolve this directly with the colleague, but if that failed I had no choice but to escalate. I knew I couldn't do my job effectively with a coworker harassing me in the office and deriding me in front of others. When I first asked him to sit down and talk one-on-one, he avoided me, ignoring my calls and emails. (Note: I find these conversations are always best one-on-one if you have a choice.) Finally, I asked him to hang behind and talk one-on-one after a group meeting we both attended. In that room, I told him that I didn't know he felt that strongly about the initial meeting notes I had written. I told him how his actions since made me feel like he didn't respect me as a colleague and undermined me and my work, making it difficult to do my job. To his credit, he admitted he lost his temper. He apologized to me and said he wouldn't do that again. We discussed together a solution for the next time we faced a disagreement. And you know what? Despite all the horrible things everyone had said about this guy, he never did do those things again. He did work with me constructively when we disagreed. He helped find compromises. I was not only able to tolerate working with him again, but we both enjoyed working together again.

This experience made me realize people were perfectly happy to make assumptions about his character or the reasons why he behaved the way he did, but those same people hadn't been willing to have the tough conversations necessary to find out if their assumptions were correct or to move forward. People tried to marginalize him and his work when they reached a point of friction instead of addressing the friction itself. I thought about all the misunderstandings and conflicts that arise in typical working life and accrue over time and wondered how many of them could be completely transformed by a simple, honest conversation.

I'll be the first to admit I didn't have the skills to do this when I first started my career, and it's still not easy. It's not fun to have difficult conversations about how someone has hurt or impeded you or to hear about how you might have hurt or impeded them. But those conversations are essential to people and teams achieving their full potential. It's easier in the short-term to avoid conflict, bottle things up, and then message your group chat what a jerk your work rival is. In the long-term, though, everyone is better served by healthier conflict resolution.

When I tell that true story, the response I most often get is, "But what if he'd doubled down instead?" In that scenario, I still see the difficult conversation as necessary. It shows that you tried to resolve things at the lowest possible level and it gives you the information you need to know whether you need to escalate: whether that's bringing in your supervisors or requesting a mediator or in some cases even filing a formal grievance or complaint with that documentation you prepared in advance.

It may be my inherent optimism, but deep down I truly believe that if more conflicts were addressed sooner in healthier ways, they would never get to that point. I can definitely think of conflicts earlier in my career that I might be mature enough and savvy enough and skilled enough to defuse better now. And there are probably others I will experience in the future that could be de-escalated, but that I may lack the ability to defuse now. It's reassuring to me to think of this as a skill you can never "complete" or "master" but one that grows in strength with repeated use over time, like a muscle of emotional intelligence. It reminds me that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, so hopefully when others make mistakes the least we can do is give a fair shot of repairing the relationship - just as we would hope people can do for us when we mess up.

Of course, I don't want to take this idea to the extreme. I don't think people need to tolerate abusive or toxic environments, and some working relationships are not possible or worthwhile to save because the (emotional, mental, physical, and - in the case of some formal grievances requiring legal representation - financial) cost is simply too great. However, I'd like to think those cases are a small minority. I fundamentally believe that most people are good people trying their best and falling short from time to time. The more positive experiences people have of resolving conflict and repairing relationships, the more I find they too begin to believe it's possible and approach conflict with a healthier mindset. This is a small impact each of us can make in our circles every single day, and it can ripple outward and lead others to start doing the same.

Would you agree that this is a common mistake people make early in their careers? Do you have any tips for resolving conflict in a healthier way? If so, I hope you'll consider sharing in the comments. Thanks for reading!

Hosting Our First Dubai Guests

After more than a year in Dubai, we finally hosted our first guests! (More of our family and friends should come visit before we leave. ;) ) My sister and her husband stayed with us on their way to Italy from the States, and it was so fun catching up with them and exploring Dubai with tourist's eyes. You know how you can live somewhere for a while and then still not do the most well-known attractions until you're with someone from out of town? That was me the whole time they were here.

We went to Jumeirah Mosque for a fantastic tour they do most days at 10am and 2pm. I'm adding this to my list of must-do activities for Dubai - we had an excellent tour guide and for just 40 dirhams per person (about $10) we got the full mosque tour, Emirati refreshments, access to the small museum and gallery on site, and henna. The tour was very family friendly, with a room of the mosque set up as an area for young kids to play that S loved once he found it. Our guide was very knowledgeable and explained the UAE and Islam very well - no prior knowledge needed for visitors. If you do the 10am tour like we did, you can pop over to nearby La Mer and walk along the beach and have a nice lunch. (You can also swim if you bring your swimsuit to change into and the weather is nice! There were so many people enjoying the water when we went.)

After that, we took our guests to Dubai Miracle Garden (one of my favorite attractions from when M and I visited Dubai many years ago), a garden with stunning, enormous flower sculptures that's only open during the winter. Then we took them to the classic Global Village, which is like a theme park with pavilions for countries and continents around the world. As you can imagine, the gifts and food options are as diverse as the theme. It's so big it's hard to explore it all in one visit. Funny enough, my sister visited me in Kenya many years ago and finally wore down sandals she had purchased there and adored, so at Global Village she popped over to the Africa pavilion and bought more sandals she already loves.

While I went to church on Sunday, my sister and her husband went to Aura Skypool, a 360-degree infinity pool where they enjoyed the sunrise and breakfast. I've never been there, but they said it was a gorgeous view so I might have to give it a try. That afternoon, we embarked on an overnight desert safari with a company called Platinum Heritage that many friends and colleagues recommended to me. We found their reputation was well deserved, with the whole experience running like clockwork and executed perfectly.

We started with a driving desert safari in a vintage Land Rover. In my younger days, I used to go dune bashing (i.e. driving fast up and down sand dunes) with my friends, but when I learned about how damaging it was to the desert ecosystem I couldn't in good conscience participate any more. I want to help conserve the beautiful desert landscape so future generations can enjoy it as much as I have, and that's why choosing an eco-friendly tour company is so important to me.

We saw unique animals native to the desert in this region, including the majestic Arabian oryx. As the sun set, we enjoyed a falcon show with a professional falconer and learned about the importance of falconry historically and culturally in the UAE. At the end, we got to take photos with the falcon, named Shadow, and even take a look at his passport (because yes, apparently these falcons do have actual passports and many Gulf-based airlines allow them on planes).

Following our sunset falcon show, we reached our Bedouin-inspired campsite that provided henna, Arabic coffee, camel rides, and an outstanding Emirati traditional dinner.

After that, we had a stargazing session led by an expert who pointed out the many stars and planets we could see. They even had shisha for those who were interested in smoking. We spent the night in very comfortable accommodations - they reminded me of the luxury safari tents we'd experienced in Kenya.

The next morning, we enjoyed a fabulous breakfast and breathtaking desert sunrise. The sun somehow seemed to rise faster in the desert than it normally does... Or maybe it's just that it's been a while since I was up early enough to see the sunrise.

Then, we returned to the city. My sister and her husband went to enjoy a luxury couples' hammam spa treatment I recommended. Later, we explored the massive Dubai Mall and ate delicious food in the Chinatown portion, which was just starting to get decorated for Chinese New Year. We took the metro from there to Dubai Expo City for the event that prompted me to ask my sister to visit in the first place: a Green Day concert! When I saw the advertisement, I couldn't believe it. I didn't realize Green Day, a band we had listened to when we were younger, was still making music - let alone touring. The opening act was The Offspring, another band I hadn't heard in ages. The concert was packed with people, and although I had a ton of friends attending I didn't see a single one of them in the crowds. I had so much fun with my sister and her husband. When "Wake Me Up When September Ends" started playing, I was struck with what a special memory this was that I would cherish forever.

The next day, we walked around Old Dubai including Al Fahidi Historical Neighborhood and the Gold Souk just a short abra (i.e., traditional boat) ride across the river. When nighttime came, we went downtown to see the light show at Dubai Fountain.

Then, we did a Burj Khalifa tour and enjoyed the views of Dubai from 148 stories high! I'm so glad we booked this tour at night so we could enjoy the experience of seeing the city lit up. One thing that always strikes me about the Arab world in general but especially Dubai is how late everything is compared to what I'm used to: things open later and close later, and even babies stay up way later than I would expect as an American. From the tallest building in the world, you can really see the city bustling after it gets dark!

And just like that, our visitors had to get back on the plane and head to their next destination! The time flew by way too fast, but at least we spent it well. I just found out one of my best friends will visit me later this year, and I already can't wait to play host again!

My Tips for Writing EER Bullets

Several FAST (First and Second Tour) Officers (also known as ELOs, Entry-Level Officers), recently asked me for advice on writing EER bullet points. It made me realize that although I have several advice posts about writing the EER statements themselves, I've never done a post about the bullet points so I thought I'd fill in that gap here. For those who may not know, EERs are our Employee Evaluation Reports upon which Department of State Foreign Service promotion decisions are based. We do at least one per year (and in rare cases more frequently depending on whether a supervisor changed or there were outside circumstances that led to more). I was promoted from 04 to 03 (as Foreign Service grades weirdly count backwards so as we move up the number moves down) at my first look, meaning the first chance a promotion panel reviewed my file to consider whether I should be promoted, so I'd like to think I know what makes a good entry-level EER, at least.

Ideally, a FAST Officer will have a good rater (usually the immediate supervisor) and reviewer (usually the supervisor's supervisor but sometimes the Deputy Chief of Mission known as the DCM, section head, or someone else) who actually write their portion of the EER. I've heard horror stories of bosses who don't write any of it and hapless ELOs who have to write not only their own statement but the two others on their EER that should be written by their chain of command, but thankfully that has never happened to me. If your rater and reviewer are actually writing their portion, they will almost always ask for bullet points from you about the things you want them to write about. This is a crucial part of the process that, in my opinion, takes just as much skill as writing the EER itself. So here's my advice to newer diplomats for EER bullets:

• Meet with your rater and reviewer early to find out their preferences for bullets, including timeline. DIfferent bosses will have different preferences: some will want "meaty bullets" that are written like paragraphs they can copy and paste as a working draft of their statement, others will want very concise memory joggers about things you did, and most will want something in between. If you don't get a strong steer, I would err on the side of providing more substantive information since nobody will care more about your EER than you do. Typically, you will share all your bullet points in one document that shows what you will write about, what your rater will write about, and what your reviewer will write about all together. Get these to your rater and reviewer on time so you aren't already running behind before the statements are even drafted.
• Know when to hold your ground and when to let go. Some raters and reviewers will have very strong opinions about which examples they think each person should cover in their section of your EER. I find the vast majority of the time it's not worth pushing back, because if they write about the examples that stand out to them then they will naturally write better. In some cases, you might feel they didn't have full visibility on your work or only the rater or reviewer could do the example justice - in that case, it's okay to challenge their preference. At the end of the day, it's your EER and you should get the final say.
• Keep space constraints in mind. The rater has the longest statement, followed by the employee. The reviewer's statement is significantly smaller. As a result, I wouldn't give a reviewer more than three bullet points because there simply isn't space. The rater should have the most bullet points, followed by the employee. Some people argue two examples very fleshed out is enough for an employee or rater statement, but I strongly disagree and think more examples are better (as long as you're not going overboard and trying to cram in ten per statement).
• Make sure you address all the core precepts in every EER, something you can see at the bullet point stage. You can find the core precepts on the Department of State intranet, from your CDO, or from your office or post HRO. Although the promotion board that decides whether to promote you generally looks at the past five EERs, I think there's plenty of space to address all the precepts every year. When I make my own EER bullets each year, I color code them by precept and review it to see if I'm missing any precepts. If so, I reframe some examples or add ones that showcase the missing precept. (Note: I know there's a lot of confusion this year about whether the DEIA - Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Accessibility - precept will remain. It's not worth speculating or trying to find out on social media. Just keep checking with your office or post HR team or the American Foreign Service Association known as AFSA, the Foreign Service union that routinely negotiates the precepts.)
• Only include the minimum context needed to understand your accomplishments. The vast majority of EER bullets I read from newer officers focus way too much on context and not enough on impact. If there are factors that make your post or job particularly challenging, you can include those. But those should only be a few sentences, not entire paragraphs. The promotion board is evaluating you, not the position itself, so make sure the vast majority of your bullets also talk about what you did and not just things about post or your office.
• Focus on what you did and results, not on outputs and titles. Don't just tell me you coordinated the National Day event, but tell me what that entailed and what the outcome was. Perhaps the event enabled a successful introduction of a new Ambassador, opening doors to higher-level follow-on meetings than have been historically possible. If you tell me you were chair of the FAST Committee, that's not as impactful as telling me that as chair of the FAST Committee, you provided essential public speaking training for 20 FAST colleagues that gave them the skills necessary to promote U.S. priority messaging to hundreds of youth through the Embassy Speakers Program. Even better if those speaker programs increased applicants to U.S. exchanges by a certain percentage or improved perception of the United States by a good margin. Or maybe your Consular cooperation with local authorities reduced fraud and increased awareness of visa scams. Whatever your job is, there is some way to show impact and that should already be in there in the bullets.
• Don't just cover special projects, but make sure your core work is well represented in your EER bullets. Most people will raise an eyebrow at an officer in a Consular section whose EER doesn't reference Consular work. If you only write about official visits and other special projects, it will give the impression that that was your only priority and you may have neglected your regular job duties. It's worth remembering the promotion panel will see your Work Requirements Statement including your position description and title when they read your EER. I personally think your core work should be reflected in the bullets of all your statements if possible: the employee, the rater, and the reviewer. If that's not possible, only the reviewer might be able to get away with only focusing on special projects since the space they have is much smaller.
• Ask mentors to see their EER bullets as examples. I always share my EERs and EER bullet points with mentees because I think it's helpful to see the evolution of bullet points to statements to final, polished product.

This is a non-exhaustive list of EER bullet point advice, but I hope it's helpful for any readers out there still relatively new to the process. I benefitted from my own mentors guiding me when I was new, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Happy drafting!